My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
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Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’