Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
You Might Also Like
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.