I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
You Might Also Like
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Saturday