When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
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“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
How to properly lift a body
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?