me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
You Might Also Like
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
what kind of cook setting is this??
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.