Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
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The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
That eye roll….
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*