One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
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Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
just got my engagement photos
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.