Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
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Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
This meal prepping shit easy
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.