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I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.