This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
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“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter