Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
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The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.