cat faces on other animals, a thread
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My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.