If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
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[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.