I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
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A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
The sacred texts.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.