Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
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My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Meeeee too!
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.