The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
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photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.