[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
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The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I’m too immature for adultery.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.