OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
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oppen heimer style lol
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Me, in DM rooms…
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.