I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
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once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
WWE is French for “yes”
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.