I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
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SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time