If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
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Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger