“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
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Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.