Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
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I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Hello, my name is Pierre.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!