I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
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I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.