summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
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Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
It’s the weekend y’all
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌