You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
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Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.