nyc:
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i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
#ProTip