Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
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[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”