Oh deer
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Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that