You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
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me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.