[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
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A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!