You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
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Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.