Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
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On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week