[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
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Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.