What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
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Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
bout dat hot dog summer
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.