World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
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doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.