Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
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My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I am patiently waiting for your email
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living