I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
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Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
the short answer to this question
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot