Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
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The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I already tried new things thanks.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.