*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
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It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
it was love at first sight
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.