I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
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2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!