5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
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Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I hate my earbuds.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.