Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
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I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Our lord and savoury.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
“Why you watching this shit?”
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
when you order from DoorDastardly
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.