‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
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(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.