Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
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Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
And that about sums it up.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I know
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.