“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
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me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
nyc:
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
🤣🤣💀
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐