“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
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The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.