What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
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“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey