I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
You Might Also Like
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
My nickname in high school was “who?”
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
classic mixup
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone