like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
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I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?